Friday, August 15, 2014

This just got real.

If you were to ask me if I like myself, if I am happy with myself, right now, my answer would be a resounding, No. I know that we are always our worst critics, and I am DEFINITELY my own, but I can honestly say that I am so dissatisfied with where I am, that I just want to sit down and cry most days. And let's be real, scarf down a big tub of Ben & Jerry's Double Fudge Brownie. Just being real.

When I was growing up, my mom was carrying some extra weight that I know she didn't want. My dad, however, was NOT very good with encouraging words and, I'm sure, made her feel worse about herself at times. There were other contributing factors, but her weight kept creeping higher and higher. The day that my dad made my mom cry because of a hurtful word about her weight, the first that I had heard anyway, was the day I promised myself that I would never let myself get out of shape. I never wanted to experience the unhappiness my mom felt, nor the health complications that came along with years of inactivity and poor eating. She became a diabetic, developed sleep apnea, and was so overweight...

And here I am today, wife and mother to 3 beautiful children, and I find myself so exhausted that even getting the energy to workout is tough. And it NEVER used to be that way. I'm that weirdo who actually liked working out and who wanted to be a personal trainer, etc etc..  Feeding my family nutritious meals and snacks is a priority of mine, but when it comes to me, I tend to push myself to the back burner much of the time, not considering my nutrition very well, taking in left overs, smaller scraps, not enough of what I should be consuming. Have I become so engrossed in helping others be better or taking care of them, that I've lost sight of me and helping myself? One word: YES. I know this to be true.

I am overweight, unflattering, unhappy.

I am thankful for a loving, committed husband who does his best to encourage me and tells me I'm still beautiful... I only sometimes believe him.

I write all this because I know I need change, I NEED to be healthier, especially physically. I want it yes, but i mostly NEED it.

And it became more real this morning.

I woke up to my husband thumping my arm, telling me that I had stopped breathing. Wait.... what? He had a hard time sleeping and was counting a few times where I had stopped breathing in my sleep, a sign of sleep apnea. What's the first sign? CRAZY FATIGUE. Um, hello? Got that covered.
I was literally shaken to my core.

I felt crushed, defeated, disgusted.

There were so many things I didn't want to share from my mother's life, but here was one of them.... Stinkin' sleep apnea. Am I clinically diagnosed? No, but it makes much sense. I'm fairly certain if it's not full-blown, that I'm in early stages of it.

I really feel like that was the last straw, the final kick in the butt I needed to really take my health much MUCH more seriously.

It's on.

By the way, I DID make a green smoothie for myself and the kids today, but did NOT get the walk in.
Thank you for reading yesterday and checking in today.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Behind Already?

I haven't decided.... Have I failed or not?
I wanted to start blogging a little something everyday since August 1st. In case you haven't noticed, it's August 14th. And this is my 2nd post. You do the math.
No, I haven't posted every day, although I definitely was thinking about it. However, seeing as my very first post ever on this blog was in 2009 and nothing followed until 2014, I'd say I was doing pretty well! I guess you can be the judge.

Today was one of those days where I felt like garbage. What's that saying, "Garbage in, garbage out?" I didn't eat well today, barely drank any water, dragged around with hardly any energy... Ick. I felt so gross, but nothing stopped me from ordering an iced venti caramel macchiato WITH blueberry scone in the DRIVE-thru Starbucks. Espresso. Milk. Carbs. No exercise.


Yes, I know.

THIS is why I felt gross. This and other bad choices throughout the day. SIGH.

Tomorrow is a new day, right?

I seriously want to do a cleanse... I'm not even sure what that entails. I'm almost afraid to ask. I'll just start the day off with a huge fruit smoothie, packed with spinach, share some with the kids (they love 'em!!!) and take them all on a walk.

I will.

Check back in tomorrow.


Keep me accountable!

Friday, August 1, 2014

New Every Morning

"Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.""
Lamentations 3:22-24

You know when you're excited and anxious for a new year to begin, and you start making plans to change old habits or make new ones, and you set up expectations for yourself that really aren't very realistic or fair? You promise yourself you'll lose 50 pounds by exercising 3 hours every day and eat every organic, paleo, raw food you can think of. Or you'll give more money to more charities and every single homeless person you come across. Or you'll spend more time with all sorts of people who you know are important in your life and who you need to be investing in. Or you'll finally sit down and work on all the Pinterest projects that you began at some point and never quite got around to finishing. Whatever the New Year's resolution is, we all know the commitment and excitement to the task fades too quickly. In all fairness, there are some who can genuinely stick to whatever they've set out to do, but most of the time, we end up failing ourselves.
Why do I bring all this up? Because, even though it's not the beginning of a new year, I set out to make some changes in my life and have already failed. Not even 3 days in and I've already blown it. Blah. But this time, it's ok. I'm using this blog to help myself. My life needs change and overall health: physical, mental, emotional, relational, spiritual. I need and want to be real, honest, vulnerable, uninhibited. I know that the only way things can really change is with God pulling me through. Only by His strength can change AND healing take place. I know I'm going to mess up again (and again.....), but I also know that God's mercies are new every morning and I have no reason to berate or belittle myself for not following through on something or for not looking a certain way or whatever other unfairness I'm trying to pull over my head.
Change is change, even if it's the smallest thing. I look forward to and embrace the ride. It is time. I am ready.