Friday, August 15, 2014

This just got real.

If you were to ask me if I like myself, if I am happy with myself, right now, my answer would be a resounding, No. I know that we are always our worst critics, and I am DEFINITELY my own, but I can honestly say that I am so dissatisfied with where I am, that I just want to sit down and cry most days. And let's be real, scarf down a big tub of Ben & Jerry's Double Fudge Brownie. Just being real.

When I was growing up, my mom was carrying some extra weight that I know she didn't want. My dad, however, was NOT very good with encouraging words and, I'm sure, made her feel worse about herself at times. There were other contributing factors, but her weight kept creeping higher and higher. The day that my dad made my mom cry because of a hurtful word about her weight, the first that I had heard anyway, was the day I promised myself that I would never let myself get out of shape. I never wanted to experience the unhappiness my mom felt, nor the health complications that came along with years of inactivity and poor eating. She became a diabetic, developed sleep apnea, and was so overweight...

And here I am today, wife and mother to 3 beautiful children, and I find myself so exhausted that even getting the energy to workout is tough. And it NEVER used to be that way. I'm that weirdo who actually liked working out and who wanted to be a personal trainer, etc etc..  Feeding my family nutritious meals and snacks is a priority of mine, but when it comes to me, I tend to push myself to the back burner much of the time, not considering my nutrition very well, taking in left overs, smaller scraps, not enough of what I should be consuming. Have I become so engrossed in helping others be better or taking care of them, that I've lost sight of me and helping myself? One word: YES. I know this to be true.

I am overweight, unflattering, unhappy.

I am thankful for a loving, committed husband who does his best to encourage me and tells me I'm still beautiful... I only sometimes believe him.

I write all this because I know I need change, I NEED to be healthier, especially physically. I want it yes, but i mostly NEED it.

And it became more real this morning.

I woke up to my husband thumping my arm, telling me that I had stopped breathing. Wait.... what? He had a hard time sleeping and was counting a few times where I had stopped breathing in my sleep, a sign of sleep apnea. What's the first sign? CRAZY FATIGUE. Um, hello? Got that covered.
I was literally shaken to my core.

I felt crushed, defeated, disgusted.

There were so many things I didn't want to share from my mother's life, but here was one of them.... Stinkin' sleep apnea. Am I clinically diagnosed? No, but it makes much sense. I'm fairly certain if it's not full-blown, that I'm in early stages of it.

I really feel like that was the last straw, the final kick in the butt I needed to really take my health much MUCH more seriously.

It's on.

By the way, I DID make a green smoothie for myself and the kids today, but did NOT get the walk in.
Thank you for reading yesterday and checking in today.

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